Two guys are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't appear to be breathing.
His buddy takes out his cell phone and immediately calls 911. Gasping, he says to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
"Take it easy and calm down," the operator says in a calm voice. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence and then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
One day two boys were walking through the woods when the boys come upon some rabbit droppings.
"Whats that?" says the first boy.
"There smart pills." says the second boy, "If you eat them you become smarter."
So the first boy picks one up and eats it. Then quickly spits it back out and yells "IT TASTE LIKE SHIT!"
"See your getting smarter already." replied the second boy.
Chapter Headfrom JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" oreven "A Bit Cross."The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when teasupplies nearly ran out.Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on thefront line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate."Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
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This one isn't deep or intelligent or even witty. It's just a silly sex joke I loved from my childhood that still makes me chuckle sometimes.
So basically it goes something like this:
This white dude picks up this hooker. They go into an alleyway to do the deed. Just as they are really getting going, something happens; the hooker begins to transform into a demon. Her eyes glow yellow and big demon horns shoot out of her head. The dude pulls out, pulls up his pants and runs off screaming.
A few hours later, a black dude picks up the same hooker. They go into the same alleyway and the same thing happens. Glowing yellow eyes; horns shoot out of her head. The guy is all, "Fuck this shit!" and runs off, pulling his pants up as he flees.
A while later, a Mexican dude picks up the same hooker. They go into the same alleyway and the same thing happens. And as the horns shoot out of the hooker's head, the Mexican dude exclaims, "Orale, handlebars!"
MemberThe demon replied with happiness " I'm going straight to heaven to eat some forbidden fruits " .
With a very suspicious face the Devil asked him a second question : " Why do you think like that my son?".
The demon answered : " well, hell is cooling down, the religious leaders of the world are preaching and practicing satanic philosophy , now a days all sinners go to heaven, and heaven wihtin itself is becoming worst and hotter than hell."
The Devil with a cunning smile said :" I see, I see, heaven was my first home after all, hahaha. ..."
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Less Experienced Satanic witch says, "I going to draw 10ft inverted pentagram, and use candles, herbs, five stones, and much more!"
Experienced Satanic Witch says, "I will use a altar, and summon a demon, and burn herbs!"
Very Experienced Satanic Witch says, "Using all those things is a waste of time, best solution, is to tell him to FUCK OFF!"
