Criticism | Forum

I have come across very few in the real world who are able to challenge me, whether it be ideas or actions.  I invariably wind up being an unpaid teacher when I give any effort into engagement with Average Joe/Jane.  

The times when people are simply puppies barking at a fire truck it becomes obvious to me, and others around, so I generally laugh them off.  The rare times when someone is able to converse with me on equal footing, my ears are wide open, and I'm at my happiest, whether they're being rude or polite in their approach.  In such occasions, I tend to cut the fat of what they're saying to get to the good meat, I'll take the potatoes if I'm in the mood. 

How I deal with criticism depends on who's giving it to me. If it's from a stranger, I tend to ignore it outright, but if it isn't, I'm more likely to at least consider it. During that consideration, I figure out if accepting that criticism and/or modifying my behavior or approach to something comes at the cost of compromising something else. How I feel about compromising that "something else" in the long run lets me know whether or not I am making the "right" decision.

Quote from satanic_kitty Not feeling well is totally unnecessary here and a very destructive way of dealing with criticism.

It's easier said than done. Criticism always hurts more or less and teachers can be regarded by parents as some sort of authority. I mean, if you are criticized, even mildly, by someone you respect and think this person has some authority and that her opinion is valuable, then criticism can be more painful. It's easier to disregard the negative opinion of someone you don't care about or consider inferior to you.

The teacher in this article is a rather enigmatic person. We really don't know why she behaves this way towards the parent, especially that her behavior towards kids is perfectly all right. Children adore her, including the woman's son. So why is she so mean to the parent? Perhaps, she's a perfectionist and she's not aware she hurts this woman's feelings. Or perhaps, while being nice to children she somehow suppresses her anger and vents her frustration on the parents instead.

Quote from satanic_kitty I personally don't think about praise for so long. I enjoy praise the moment I receive it and normally I forget it shortly after.

This is because criticism evokes stronger emotions than praise. I like genuine praise but insincere flattery is a trap. I like being praised for specific achievements, for something I did. Then I can be more sure the person giving the praise really appreciates my actions.

Quote from luz I am hoping to learn from you as of how to stop perceiving a nuisance.

I received plenty of criticism. Sometimes, it was well deserved, at other times not so much. Certainly, receiving negative opinions is a nuisance but dealing with them is a challenge. Just like JasinElric said, the thing is, you should cut through the form (the way it was expressed), get to the essence (the message) and get something useful out of it, something that will help you to improve yourself. It's also an emotional challenge - dealing with your emotions, such as anger, disappointment, sorrow, humiliation and so on. Every moment you go down into the depths of your mind to cope with difficult feelings you become a stronger person.

A LaVey advice paraphrase: Exercise reluctance when given advice from a lesser.

To break it down to basics, criticism comes in two forms: "Constructive criticism", where the criticism is intended to be advisory; and "destructive criticism", where the criticism is meant to be an attack.

It is up to the individual to exercise discernment (discernment being the antithesis of "stupidity").

Further reading: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varieties_of_criticism

Quote from luz 1) This 'enigmatic' teacher is a horrible employee and she is unlikely to keep her job in a healthy capitalistic community where competition between service providers ensures quality of service.

I wouldn't be so sure of that. Many horrible people are doing a successful career in a "healthy capitalistic community".

Quote from luz Next she received advised from a psychologist to keep her conversations short and to the point. If that didn't work she was advised to 'breathe into' any negative feelings she may experience while interacting with the teacher and also to 'talk encouragingly' to herself.

I think you misinterpreted the advice of the psychologist. He advised her not only to keep the conversations short and to the point but also to stop engaging with the teacher's demands, stop justifying and excusing herself and also stop offering help. In short, he advised her to be assertive, to let the teacher know she's not the one to be ordered around. But in order to be assertive, the woman has to deal with her negative feelings first. This is why he suggested taking deep breaths to release tension and speak encouragingly to herself to boost her self-esteem.

"You need to shift the situation by speaking to [her] the same blunt and quick way she speaks to you," says Dr. Kirschner. "No more ‘dextification,’ which stands for defending, explaining, excusing, and justifying." I also have to stop making myself so available:

"When you enter the classroom, try ‘Yes, no, got to go,’" Dr. Kirschner says.Essentially, stop hanging around, stop asking how to help. Stop engaging with her demands. Drop-off should be quick. The hope and intention is that in time she will get the message that I expect the same respect from her that I give myself in her presence. That I’m not a wimp, and I’m self directed.

"Remember to keep your conversations short and to the point. And if you have difficulty not getting upset, breathe into those feelings, and talk encouragingly to yourself," Dr. Kirschner advises.

Quote from luz Dr. Kirschner's advice is irrelevant to the situation because the mom should not be putting up with the teacher, but should be taking her business elsewhere.

It seems you forgot that her son liked this teacher very much. He also liked his school. Taking him to another school could be stressful for the child and there is no guarantee that the next school would be better. The teacher's antics, in my opinion, is a minor issue. She was good to the kids, kids liked her, it seems she fulfilled her duties. The rest is up to the mother to let the teacher know what treatment she expects and that she's not to be ordered around.

I find criticism much like the sandwich analogy given earlier as many can only take it in small bites. Much like many ideas that go against or just don't agree with a person's current thoughts it needs to be broken down into smaller ideas before listing all faults or disagreements. I have had a few issues with teachers when it comes to dealing with my child and I find it rare that any parent would not have these issues at least once.

It takes a stable person to look past the initial statement and find the real backing or foundation topic. Many would think themselves stable in their ego and ideas but reality states that this stability is not a given or a virtue that is always there.

I find it interesting that the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is stated but find it has a few let downs if used alone. Many of the psychology models are like the old philosophy schools as they deal with set rules that a person has to stay within and this is often the downfall of many applications. Now if the Cognitive school of thought could borrow ideas from Strength Based applications they might actually find something to help the person and not just their school of thought.

As for stress and anxiety I find many jump to the more extreme wording far quicker than is needed. Any change/ adversary to lifestyle or thought can promote stress but many of these are just that,,, stress. The stronger meaning of anxiety seems to give people the permission/ excuse to stress more than is needed. Do some have a “seemingly” natural disposition to stress more than is needed and read attacks into everything that does not fit their perfect idea bit is this needed?

Quote from luz Let me share what we do when we are not happy with someone's service: we ask to speak with his or her supervisor.

The more serious issues should definitely be taken to the supervisor but the petty shit can be dealt with right there on the spot. No need to storm the school authorities with formal complaints and petitions if you can simply say: "Hey Ms Teacher, enough of your bullshit." If accompanied with the proper tone of voice and body language, usually it's enough.

You tell them to clean the seats and use the plastic seat covers most service people have. Then if they don't change you might go somewhere else but there is no reason to leave them before addressing the issue.

Quote from luz I take my car for oil change to this shop and they do a great service in changing the oil but they always soil my seats. (Do I keep on taking my car there and patiently clean after them or do I find a new shop?)

Quote from luz The teacher makes her uncomfortable and that is serious enough in my book.

I believe it is, considering how sensitive you are. But a mother has to care not only for her feelings but also for her child's feelings. And for a child, changing a school every month just because his mommy gets so easily butthurt can be a bit disturbing, to say the least, don't you think?

Quote from luz I understand that the OP comes from an RHP perspective and prefers the path of acceptance and swallowing of one’s pride. (Humility is a trite virtue for the followers of some paths).

Do you have reading comprehension issues? Did you read my previous posts? Did you read the article I posted? The mom was given a specific and good advice, in my opinion. Who speaks of acceptance or humility? Do you know what being assertive means? It has nothing to do with being humble or turning the other cheek.

I will quote my previous reply and the relevant part of the article. Perhaps, if you read it one more time, you'll finally get it.

<<I think you misinterpreted the advice of the psychologist. He advised her not only to keep the conversations short and to the point but also to stop engaging with the teacher's demands, stop justifying and excusing herself and also stop offering help. In short, he advised her to be assertive, to let the teacher know she's not the one to be ordered around. But in order to be assertive, the woman has to deal with her negative feelings first. This is why he suggested taking deep breaths to release tension and speak encouragingly to herself to boost her self-esteem.

"You need to shift the situation by speaking to [her] the same blunt and quick way she speaks to you," says Dr. Kirschner. "No more ‘dextification,’ which stands for defending, explaining, excusing, and justifying." I also have to stop making myself so available:

"When you enter the classroom, try ‘Yes, no, got to go,’" Dr. Kirschner says.Essentially, stop hanging around, stop asking how to help. Stop engaging with her demands. Drop-off should be quick. The hope and intention is that in time she will get the message that I expect the same respect from her that I give myself in her presence. That I’m not a wimp, and I’m self directed.

"Remember to keep your conversations short and to the point. And if you have difficulty not getting upset, breathe into those feelings, and talk encouragingly to yourself," Dr. Kirschner advises.>>

Stop engaging with her demands. He tells her not to listen to the teacher's arbitrary orders. She made many: she didn't let her drink coffee in the classroom because she might hurt kids, she didn't let her use a phone at school or talk too loudly. He tells the mother to ignore the teacher's arbitrary and silly orders. She should and must co-operate with the teacher for the good of her child but she shouldn't let herself be ordered around like a kid.

Quote from luz So this is it? Allow the teacher to continue with her arbitrary and silly orders, but learn how to ignore the arbitrary and silly orders?

Ignore or firmly say no. The teacher carries on ordering the mother around because she's weak and compliant. If she learns how to stand her ground, the teacher will learn to respect her more. Being assertive usually works.

Quote from Dimitri From reading the article, the demands and "criticism" made by the teacher are spot-on and do indicate a maladjusted attitude on the mothers behalf.

I have a different opinion. The demands are petty and there is one more thing: respect. The parent shouldn't be ordered around like a kid. If the teacher had some issues with the parent, she could politely ask, not give orders. After all, it's up to the parent to bring up the child. But thanks for the different perspective.

Quote from Dimitri But.. that's something we ALL do when faced with criticism/feedback. The feedback received from those we like will sting less in comparer from those we do not like. Interpretation will differ despite carrying the same message.

That's all well and good if it is only criticism and feedback. Persistent criticism can also be a sign of psychological warfare. When someone criticizes EVERYTHING about you, then it just gets tricky. I'm aware of the fact that some people are total douchebags and it's very hard to say anything nice about them but there are various motives behind offering a negative feedback. One motive can simply be breaking the victim, finishing her off emotionally. And yes, people can do that, sometimes even unconsciously, when they feel frustrated or vindictive.

Mind that the mother feels a lot of emotional stress, it's very painful for her. A gut feeling sometimes can tell you more than reason. If you feel bad while being in someone's presence, then something might be wrong. Again...we only have the mother's version of the story, but I have a problem with the nature of the teacher's criticism. The thing is that it's petty and concerns trivial things and in that case, we can safely assume that the teacher's aim might not be to correct the mother's behavior but simply make her feel bad or to make herself feel better at the mother's cost. She can simply be a psychic vampire.

The key to effective criticism is respect. You can offer me all the advice in the world but if I don't respect you (or at least your level of expertise) then your words will fall on deaf ears.
This cuts both ways of course, that's why I honestly try to not give advice unless asked for it.

Most of my entire life I've been criticized by my friends and my enemies, by my relatives ,and those outside of my family. I've learned to appreciate any kind of criticism,  that has helped me to modify anything I've been doing wrong or to enforce anything I've been doing right. To me,  criticism has been like a hammer beating up a piece of gold to get out all its impurities to get " real gold" , it has been like a diamond cutter to get a precious diamond stone. Sometimes I felt bad to receive the criticism, but I took it like a medicine that tastes bad, but it heals, to tell you the truth, I don't like to be criticize ,but as I wrote before,  I've learned to live with it, and it  has helped me to be a better demon ( ironically speaking) . Therefore, I don't care what kind of criticism,  or who is giving it to me, I receive it. Sometimes I've criticized others too, but if I know that person won't receive my criticism, I will not say anything about it, but if the person asks  for my opinion,  I will frankly and honestly say it with tenderness and sweetness with the goal  of not damaging  her/his feelings, and of course I'll do it in private never in public.