It's not Me. Blame my shitty childhood. | Forum

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Anna Mar 5 '23

So I've read this and it has made me think about my Ukrainian colleague who got stuck in the abusive relationship with the Polish narcissist. She couldn't leave him for long years although he treated her as his punching bag, humiliating her, sometimes smashing her phone during the heated arguments and, occasionally, smashing her pretty face. Recently, she broke up with him and moved away but now we've learned she's with him... again.

It doesn't surprise me that much. Some women like being treated like a doormat, it seems. But this article makes me roll my eyes. Should the person's childhood, even if traumatic, be blamed for every stupid thing that person does? It seems as a cop-out, a way to shed all responsibility for one's life.

Give yourself compassion for having ended up in a traumatically bonded relationship. You didn’t choose this, your attachment patterns did...

Like I'm acting stupid now because my parents didn't love me and my school peers didn't accept me. So I'm sentenced to repeating the same stupid mistakes over and over again. I can't choose to learn from them and it's their fault, not mine.

No one chooses to stay in an unhealthy or traumatic relationship. It’s fair to say that if someone finds themselves unable to leave a traumatic relationship, there are likely important mitigating emotional factors. By exploring those issues and working to heal the attachment wounds, all with compassion and empathy, it’s possible to create a new pattern of attachment as an adult.

On condition you have enough time to meditate. In the case of physical aggression it would be more practical to run away as fast as your legs could carry you. Thoughts?

The Forum post is edited by Anna Mar 5 '23

Member

Berardo Rodriguez Mar 5 '23

It's very difficult to live with an abused person (male or female), I think the best way is to leave that relationship, of course, it will hurt ( because of the children, the sex love, the influence of relatives and society, the economical situation, etc), but it will be healthier for both, if not, the abuser will fall into something called 'abusive cicle behavior ', and that's really bad, the innocent will suffer too much ( he or she will be considered as a masochist, she or he loves to be hurt), human beings have to be responsible for their actions, but they don't give a dime to it, they like to blame society, parents, relatives, friends, education , their companion, God or the Devil, and so forth for what they do.

Sabrina Mar 5 '23

I also have a distaste for people of this type, especially when they bear children. Nothing angers me more than irresponsible parents.

In regards to the trauma, you didn’t choose your traumatic experiences but the decision to heal and grow is in your hands

Rune Mar 5 '23

I know someone in a similar situation, except she doesn't have kids.

Cornelius Coburn Mar 6 '23

It's mostly an excuse/copout to avoid consequences for immoral/amoral behavior. In the case of "amoral", so fucking what if they 'supposedly' didn't know what they were doing, they did it, and should be treated like the wild animals that are "put down" all the time for killing people as well, but in the case of wild animals I feel bad for them and would rather they be left alone.

It's quite simple I think, people fuck-up and then the 'self-preservation' factor kicks in and it's everything from "I blacked out" to "I was beaten" or "I was molested as a child" and also the renown "insanity plea/defense".

Like Ron White said "If they don't know we're killin' 'em and it makes me feel better then I don't see what the problem is."

Anna Mar 6 '23

In the case of criminals, the situation is even more dire. Unless the person is mentally disabled, he or she is fully responsible for his/her actions.

I would draw the line between actions and emotions. While we have little to no control over our emotions, I mean we don't get to choose what feelings we experience, we can still choose what actions we take or don't take. It's a decision. And it's OK to blame the individual for the decisions he makes.

Cornelius Coburn Mar 7 '23

I did go a bit off topic with that one. The same cause with slightly different effects.

Dantalion Mar 15 '23

I think that she was attracted to the highly emotional aspects of being in a relationship like that. If that boyfriend was connected to her emotionally (even though at times it was in very violent ways) , then once that connection is made, it would be very hard to break. I think that’s why some women end up back into these emotional relationships, because they can’t break the emotional bonds.

The Forum post is edited by Dantalion Mar 15 '23

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